As Britney Spears
receives treatment for bipolar disorder and
struggles to regain custody of her
two sons, Us Weekly spoke to a young mother afflicted with the same mental illness to offer insight into the singer's life.
“Carol” (not her real name) was a wild, uncontrollable 18-year-old when she became a mother. But after some manic episodes (including joyriding with her infant son in a car), she was diagnosed with bipolar disorder.
Carol soon decided to give up her baby, then 18 months, to family friends for adoption.
Now 28, the Idaho resident — who says she’s doing “really well” and still has contact with her nine-year-old boy — tells Us her story:
"The thing that made me think Britney might have bipolar was that I recognized the look on her face, I've had that look before. It's the eyes, there's kind of a wildness. It looks like her mind's going really fast and I'm sure that she went through the same thing with the racing thoughts that I did and I could see the change in her from day to day, being up then being down.
“I had ADD as a child and wasn't diagnosed bipolar until I was 18. As a teenager, I didn't know what was wrong with me. It felt very hard to fit in because I had these mood swings and went through periods where I didn't want to see anybody and all of my friends would think that I had dropped them. It wasn't that, it was just that I couldn't handle being around people because of the depression or whatever else I was going through. Then there would be periods where I was the social butterfly at every party and on the phone all the time and it was difficult in school because a lot of times I would come across as being on drugs because I was manic. I'd talk too loud and get too energetic and it would freak my teachers out. My mother thought I was on drugs when I wasn't.
"When I was depressed I slept too much and had a really poor self image. That's the other thing, when I was manic or hyper-manic I had an inflated ego. You feel like you're the prettiest, smartest girl in the room and then when you're depressed, you feel like you're the ugliest, dumbest girl in the room.
"When Britney shaved her hair or got married to her childhood friend, I can relate to that. It's a manic impulsivity. You can think something's a great idea and you just immediately do it and then two hours later, you go, 'oh my god, what did I do?' I never slept with strangers but I did with friends, just on a whim. I would be drunk and it would just happen. I would go through long periods of celibacy, then a two-month phase where I'd sleep with four people, which is a lot for me. I felt more attractive during those times, I had a sense of immortality, that nothing that I did was going to affect the future. You just really live in the moment. You don't think abouttomorrow. Two weeks later, I would beat myself up over it. At one point, I was going to sell my car and move to New Orleans and be a stripper. Luckily my parents talked me out of it!
"I also couldn't empathize with other people at all because I was so wrapped up in my illness, so I would get into arguments with people a lot. I had some friends who were very patient who have put up with a lot from me. I remember screaming at my best friend for about 30 minutes straight and calling her all kinds of awful names, when if the same thing had happened now I would have just told her she had upset me.
"I would also sneak out of the house and I was dating this guy in high school who had tattoos all over him, my parents hated him! My parents hate tattoos and piercings and when I turned 18 I pierced my tongue, thinking they wouldn't notice. Of course they did, I don't know what I was thinking.
"There was a lot of drug abuse too. I was a heavy pot smoker from when I was 14 until 21. I also dabbled in cocaine and ecstasy, acid and mushrooms. Thepot was because of the insomnia, it was the only way I could sleep, and the cocaine was to try and lift me out of the depression.
"I also find it hard to read people and choose people who are bad for me. I was friends with this woman for three years until about a year ago. She seemed very conservative and sensible, but she was actually an alcoholic and sex addict. The one thing about bad people being friends with bad people is that they won't let go of you.
“I understand why Britney was spending time with Sam Lutfi. Controlling people are attractive because you feel lost when you're un-medicated. It seems like 'oh he's got all the answers, he'll take care of me.'
"My son's father was very controlling too. Slowly I wasn't allowed to talk to my friends and then eventually I wasn't even allowed to speak to my mother. He was also addicted to drugs, which I didn't realize. I was with the boyfriend before him for five years and he was the same way, he had to control everything.
"Giving up my son was so hard. I still get a lot of people who judge me for that, especially as he was 18 months old at the time, but I had realized I wasn't stable enough and his father wasn't in the picture. It was also hard to empathize with what the baby wanted. It's not that you don't care. A lot of times, my son would want to go outside and play and I couldn't take him because I was so depressed I couldn't move. It's not that I didn't want to, it was that I physically couldn't.
"My son is much better off. But if I were to have a child now I wouldn't be afraid of being a parent because I know that I'm stable enough now. Of course I love my son and I wish that I could have kept him, but probably the sanest decision I made at that point was to give him up for adoption. I didn't have the economic advantage of being able to hire nannies and have other people around.
“Also with Britney, Kevin Federline seems to have gone out of his way to clean up his act and be a good father and my son didn't have that with his dad.
"I think Britney will be able to cope with having her kids back again. The thing about bipolar disorder is if you're being treated you will never go that far down again. She can afford the best doctors in the world but the real trick is going to be finding the right medication for her, which could take five years. I just happen to have found the right cocktail for me.
“I'm on the newest medication called Lamictal and it's worked wonders. It's a mood stabilizer with antidepressant qualities and you don't gain tons of weight like you did with the old medications.
"I think Britney can make it, but once you get your mind stabilized, you have to pick up the shambles of your life that are left around you, so it'll take her a while to fix that. I don't see any reason why she wouldn't be a good mother, it's obvious she loves her children."
For more on Britney Spears, pick up the
newest issue of Us Weekly on stands now.
